我发现我还是离不开这里。
很久没来了。
但是真的遇到不开心，也只能想到这里。
本来以为说了分手心里会好过一点。因为代表以后不用再操心什么了。
可是反而心神不宁，没办法专心做事。
心里很难过。等着那头说些什么，可是最后发现自己是最可笑的人。
女人千万不要像我这样。
因为你说分手，
除了你自己相信，已经没有人相信你。
多可悲。
而且更可悲的是我自己还每次都相信。
说了分手以后突然觉得不值得。不对。
分手的理由是没有了感觉。可是没有感觉的又不是我。而是他。
凭什么我说分手，应该他说。
而且分手了明显是他爽我惨，太失策了。
怎么着也点儿磨的我也没感觉了才分手才叫公平。
但是话已出口。如果这次再反悔。
怕是自己都不再相信自己了。
最近突然变成了一个坚定的人。
终于确定了自己的发展方向。
按理说确定了目标应该很高兴，可我哭了两天。
正因为我哭了两天，所以我知道这次我的决定是正确的。
我哭这个决定意味着我要放弃我大学两年来所有的努力。所有的收获。所有的荣耀。
我哭我终于可以做一个不再改变的决定。
而且一步一步的完成他。
然后我接受了现实，笑着面对我的未来。
对于这份感情，
我不知道这次分手会持续多长时间。
不知道还有没有人能相信我。
但是我不想在勉强，再敷衍，在冷漠了。
我不难过。
这是我的选择。
我相信
一定还会有一个男人愿意给我承诺。没有犹豫的承诺。
而那个男人也愿意一辈子守护我。不用强迫的一辈子。
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fri/22/feb/2008
10:00 go to hamburg
18:00 get on the bus to paris
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thu/21/feb/2008
shopping in KaDeWe.
preparing the paris,
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Wed/20/Feb/2008
From now on nobody was able to go with me . These two days I have gone to almost all the interest places of Easten Berlin by myself, ah yes, with a map. Today I’ve been to..
The Brandenburg Tor
The Government
and a square to memorizing those Jews who have been killed in the WWII.
Then, I went through the Under the Linden Str.,
And saw the Napoleon statue,
the Neue Wache（新守卫室）,where to memorize the people who died in the two word wars.
the Berlin Theatre,
The Berlin Church, in which I was so impressed by its magnificence and spectacularity that I finally decided to believe in Jesus.
After going across the bridge,
Marlin Church and the Communism Square(自己起的名儿) came into my sight.
At about 2:00pm, I reached the Alexander Str.. The Berlin TV tower stands there. It cost my 9.5 euro to go on the top of it, my the sight ..uhh…not worthy at all.
Then I felt too hungry and went in to a Burger King. There were quite a few strange people there. I chatted with a boy whose face was full of rings and holes. But he was friendly and told me how to go to the Berlin Wall. And then I went to the easternmost, the ugliest and the dirtiest place of Berlin.
As soon as I got off the S-banh, there was a whore( sex worker), who was painted with colors on her body, holding a small box with a few coins, came towards me and said something I didn’t understand. I was so scared that run away as fast as I can.
On the street, almost everyone was punk or nazi, no one Asian face was able to exist. Although it was horrible, I still walk forward. I should nor be scared cause neither beauty or money did I own.
Finally I got the Wall,
Even if Eastern Berlin is like a mess, it is full of art elements. Old but luxury, at the same time combine with rotten to the core.. Just very punk.
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Tue/19/Feb/2008
New discovery!
Today I watched German television and suddenly I found a program called “New Chinese” which was hold in America by some forbidden region followers. It has advertisements, teleplays such as 少年包青天, news reports even new year concert.
Its scared me!
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Mon/18/Feb/2008
Today I did not go anywhere. When I went to the Sony Center to ask some travel information of France, a headache suddenly occurred in my brain, then I felt degusting and cold, almost broke down. （原来这就是时差！）So I hurried went back home and slept till 17o’clock. Fortunately, I have finally found a cheapest agency—rainbow ~2days only 107 euro~
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Sun/17/Feb/2008
Today I have slept from 4:00 to 14:30. when I woke up, Yin and I came to the Sony Center, where the 58th international film festival hold. Today was the last day of the film festival, there was few stars. Then we watched a movie called “a good boy”, though I didn’t catch a word, it’s funny.
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Sat/16/Feb/2008
How busy today~
In the morning I went to a market called LIDL and buy some eggs and milk with Yin. Then we went to the Charlottenburg. What impressed me most was that most of the queen’s houses were decorated with china and Chinese elements, such as 观世音菩萨 and 鼻烟壶.
Then we came to Yin’s friend Katte’s house and took part in her birthday party.
Katte was a charming girl though she’s only 1.5m.there were 8 girls there except her cute brother Alex. Besides, there were 4 girls from Turkey, and covered with silk hood, were not allowed to drink wine and must went back home before 19o’clock. Here I found I was lucky, not like those guys who pay money to see the Berlin with travel agency, I just talk with them and joined in them and feeling them.
At night we, Yin and I, went to the “MI” Club with Katte and her friends.
This was my first time been to club. To my surprise, there was no drugs, no alcoholics, no naked people, just noisy but funny.
We drank Cola and danced, and sang with the music. It was crazy, but I was happy. Katte seemed drank too much cause her boyfriend broke up with her on her birthday. On our way home we sang together the song A KUNAMETATA-----all the sorrow will pass away.
When we came back it’s about 2 or 3. I was exhaust. But I thought I should use my last power to write down what I have done today.
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Fri/15/Feb/2008
2:00 in the morning my plane took off Beijing and flew to Frankfurt, and I got the Frankfurt Airport at 5:08(Germany Time). Then I waited for the flight to Berlin which took off at 07:50.
I did not feel any excitement when I just stand in the new place. I found I only can speak English fluently to myself. When I communicated with foreigners, I always forgot what to say.
For example, when I was on the plane a waitress asked me
“would you like to drink?”
“coffee”
“black coffee?”
“no.”
“milk and sugar?”
“yes.” I said.
Suddenly I realized I should say “that would be great, thank you” or things like that. “yes” sounded so unrespectable and rudeness. After self-reflection I said to my self “next time
would be careful.”
However, where is the next time?
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 终于等到了完整版的色戒。
很早就想要写一写，但是每次都是以小段后跟着长久的缄默，不得不草草了事。
第一次看是在图书馆，刚讯雷到还是很模糊的影院拍摄版本的色戒，也跟着大伙儿追着情色的噱头而跳着看几个没被删掉的镜头。没觉得什么。
第二次是在影院。终于抵不过梁朝伟，抵不过李安，抵不过张爱玲，也抵不过想亲眼看看最大化的那只Catier钻戒的冲动。
看完后坐地铁回来，跟着的便是那长久的缄默。不想言语，也不想向人倾诉最后自己在黑暗中的哭泣。
后来看看电影里的影评，那人提到了那“长久的缄默”的问题，我便顿悟。原来。
第三次，发现了完整版，就毫不犹豫地下了下来，不是因为那些可能会让人发指的镜头，而还是抵不过内心对一些已经遗忘的角落的渴求。
不得不说，即便是李安亲自删减的大陆版，也着实毁掉了色戒80%的姿色。原来故事可以这样娓娓道来。
主导色戒的，就是他的情欲戏。一个成天和残忍血腥，违背良心的事情打交道的人，一个工于心计，只为博得一场阴谋的女子，两个人心灵的交合，怎么能指望他们做在咖啡店里谈理想诉衷情呢？LV的古董箱，CHANNEL的栀子花香水，，其余的铺陈和润泽，再过华丽也不能喧宾夺主。
从王佳芝的心灵轨迹来看，第一次和梁润生做爱，没有爱情，没有快感，甚至其实只是对一个信念，抑或可以说其实只是对一个男人的牺牲。而这个男人，不是易先生，而是邝裕民。
第二次，还是梁润生，虽然没有爱，但是在所谓的“教导”下，还是会有肉体的欢愉，只是人类的本能而已。但是她毕竟体会到了一点点LUST。
第三场之后，便都是和易先生。他们的第一次并不美好，易只是想要得到，想要霸占，想要吞噬。也许只是把王佳芝当作又一个发泄的对象，唯一的不同也许只是这个女人的眼睛过于清澈，勾引的手法过于拙劣，才更让易先生更暴虐。
第一次过后，易先生把风衣扔给她走了出去，我们看到王佳芝一抹而过的笑容。
那笑容，证明原来三年前的轻狂，三年后的折回，都是为这一次的到来。
有的朋友问我，为什么易先生非要是一个性虐。我笑。一个成天面对着无数头破血流的人，一个成天“做娼妓”压抑着自己良心和欲望的人，怎么可能不是一个性虐，怎么可能会有和谐的性生活。
他与王佳芝的第一次，虽然被占有的欲望交织，但是却处处的充满的彻头彻尾的CAUTION, 充满了无法进入内心的警戒。
第二次便不大一样，小别而过，一个矛盾与走与留，爱与恨，一个则刚从危险与残酷中脱身，只相信了眼前这个女人，只抓住了眼前这个证明他得以存在的救命稻草，两个人就好像茫茫无尽的水里一片残弱的叶子上苟延残喘的两只幼蝶，只能拼命的抓住对方，即便知道只是一个无尽的结果，最后总有一只会为了存活或者飞翔而吃掉对方。
王佳芝聪明的可以，一个女人，在肉爱的欢愉面前只能沉沦。张爱玲自己说，男人的心通过胃，而女人的心是通过阴道的。在这里我们可以明显地看到在紫蕴糜烂而柔软的床上两种不同的表情。王佳芝在沉醉，而易先生只是痴痴的盯着对面的这个女人，直到高潮的时候，王佳芝像婴儿一样蜷缩在易先生的怀抱里，易先生忘情的进入。他们的爱情也渐渐的放松了彼此的CAUTION,
最后的一次，也是最关键的一次。最后的一幕，王佳芝在上面，瞥到了挂在床边的枪。易先生注意到了，于是王佳芝马上掩饰过去。后来王佳芝用枕头蒙住了易的眼睛。这里前面有两个铺垫，一个是易先生说他怕黑，另一个人王佳芝在向老吴汇报时痛苦的说她多么想在她把易先生弄得精疲力竭的时候能有人冲进来打爆他的头。王佳芝的确是犹豫了。这让我想起了本能1里面的某个片断。易先生也感受到了，恐惧也使高潮来的更刺激更完美。两个人同时爆发了。王佳芝哭了。哭她入戏太深，因为她再也不能解决掉面前这个男人了。
易先生把信封给王佳芝的时候，邝裕民还天真的以为是不是被发现了身份。于是制作出了一出引蛇出洞的把戏。当分开的时候，邝裕民突然吻了她。
“三年前你可以的。”一句话，决绝的是这么多年来为的这段情，为的这次义无反顾，也决绝了今非昔比，物是人非。那时候心中突然有一种痛。是啊，哪个女人的心里没有过一个邝裕民呢，他高大，挺拔，有激情，有才气，凝聚了女人初恋情怀的全部梦想，甚至为追随这个人而一度想要牺牲自己。可是时间，不给我们一点余地。邝裕民或许还是那个邝裕民，但是我们身旁的人，已经让我们不可以。
咳。。说远了。
其实难说王佳芝此时有十足的把握放下对易的CAUTION，但是当看到那粒“鸽子蛋”的时候，任凭一切脱于世俗，一切坚若盘石的信念，也被这冰冷的石头融化了。
一个男人理解不了究竟这冰冷而艳丽的石头有什么样的魅力可以让一切女人臣服，让一切不羁变得柔软。我也不懂，但是我却也变得柔软起来。
到了影片的最后，南郊，石矿场。
易先生坐在王佳芝的床上，那时我哭了。十点的钟声响起，易先生下意识的紧闭起眼睛，他与爱人的诀别，留下的，只是在一轮昏黄的光圈下，微皱的床单上一抹留恋的背影。
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